Chapter XVII

because you never know someone from the very beginning


February 2006

Yes I am upset!

Most of my friends like me because I am not high maintenance, and am rarely upset with them.  Perhaps this is because I am a big fat liar.  I tell myself I don’t like to get angry at friends because we all have stuff going on and everyone is generally well intentioned, and it’s only when someone steps way over this line I will engage in a confrontation about something that has ticked me off.

I still think this M.O. works BUT am now wondering if perhaps I don’t demand enough of my friends.  Have we lowered our standards of what it is like to be a good friend to someone?  Is expecting little a good way to build those relationships?

This of course comes from being upset about some stuff.  This kind of stuff:

– When you tell me you want to help, and I for once say "thanks that would be nice" don’t all of a sudden go AWOL on me.  It’s rude.  If you don’t want to help, don’t offer.

– If you ask me for money and I give it to you (say, to support a cause), I would appreciate it if you reciprocate when I ask for money to support my cause.

– If we have chatted over IM, it does not mean we have caught up.  Call.  Go get coffee.  Commit to going and getting coffee together rather than saying "this Saturday let’s catch up via cell and meet"…it never happens.  Be willing to commit for a friend.

People even at age 33 still have feelings that can be hurt.  Make an effort.  Make a commitment and live up to it.  Be a friend.   

Not as bad as it seems…

It has to be said, I am not as cranky or depressed as I sound on this blog.  I am not always upset.  I don’t feel like I have no idea what my life is about.  I am not generally lonely nor do I lack for friends.  I don’t wake up everyday and think my life stinks. 

I started journaling at about age 19 and have not stopped.  I tend to write when I am angry, irritated or upset.  I write disproportionately more during these times than others.  Guess I find it therapeutic.

So does this mean I am upset now?  Why yes!  Next post…

Questions I Need to Answer…

From a show Oprah did about finding your passion…

What interest, passion or desire are you most afraid of admitting to yourself and others?

What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

What do you love about yourself?

What would you do if money was not a concern in your life?

What one thing do you dream about doing that you’ve never told anyone? 

What do you fantasize about doing while driving your car or taking a shower? 

Who do you know that’s doing something you’d like to do? Describe yourself doing it.

How could you make the world a better place for yourself and others? 

Who do you think you are? Have you labeled yourself a mother, student, caregiver? What are the other parts of you?

What did you love when you were a child?

What’s stopping you from moving forward with exploring your passion? 

List five things that you want. List five things that you’re good at. Do you know the difference between them? 

What drives you, and what gives you satisfaction? 

When you were young, what did you know you would do when you grew up? 

How would you like the world to be? 

What would you regret not having done if your life was ending?

Along those lines…

Following up from the prior post…

– owning a catering business

– the peace corp

– fighting for global women’s rights

– literacy for all

– being a writer

– being an artist

– owning a food business

– being my own boss

making an impact.  feeling that a world is a better place because I am in it.

I want a Grammy

I am in LA and am watching the Grammy’s…and honest to goodness, am truly upset that I am not a famous singer.  Hell, I am not a singer at all, let alone famous.  This is not a passing "oh wouldn’t it be fun to be famous" sentiment…I think it’s a realization that I am not living my most authentic life.   

Dear god that is terrifying.

This is the only one I have…the only life.  Not a dress rehearsal. 

I don’t think I really want to be a pop star (darn good fantasy though) but it’s along those lines – doing what you feel is your calling, what you are meant to do, living your dreams, pursuing that thing that they talk about when they stand on stage and accept the award and say "follow your dreams!"

If I only knew what that was.

Sounds silly but I am sad.  Maybe it’s the wine.  Maybe it’s PMS.  Maybe it’s that I am 33 and have realized that a big part of my life is behind me. 

This is real.

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