I turned 34 years old this week. It has not been a happy week. In the last few years, I have found birthdays to be difficult. They are a reminder that life is short. I fear I am wasting mine.
I woke up today at 6:45 and re-set my alarm to 7:45. I was tired because in our apartment our bed is on the street side and it’s loud.
I got up at 7:45 and my very first waking thought was disappointment in myself that I had not gotten up at 6:45 and gone running. I was immediately in a rush. I had to get ready for work and pack for a weekend away. The day was off to a bad start.
On my way to work I watch people wearing funky shoes talking and laughing on the street as I rush by. I wonder what they are doing with their lives, but note that they looked happy.
I think about my job. I don’t hate my job, I just think it is not me long term. Wow. That is terrifying to admit out loud. What if I end up doing this for the rest of my life and someone says "Wasn’t that a waste? You said it was not what you wanted to do."
I don’t know what I want my life to look like. I know I feel like something is missing. Like when you are dating someone and you end it because you love them but are not IN love with them. That is how I am feeling about my job. I think it’s pretty great, but it might not be a long term fit for me. Something needs to change.
I don’t know where to start. I am afraid to change my lifestyle. I am afraid that I identify with work and what I do now SOUNDS good. I am afraid this is just another itch I tend to get after being in a company for nearly three years. I am afraid I might fail at whatever else I do. I don’t know whatever else I WOULD do. Where do I start?