I turned 34 years old this week.  It has not been a happy week.  In the last few years, I have found birthdays to be difficult.  They are a reminder that life is short.  I fear I am wasting mine.

I woke up today at 6:45 and re-set my alarm to 7:45.  I was tired because in our apartment our bed is on the street side and it’s loud. 

I got up at 7:45 and my very first waking thought was disappointment in myself that I had not gotten up at 6:45 and gone running.  I was immediately in a rush.  I had to get ready for work and pack for a weekend away.  The day was off to a bad start.

On my way to work I watch people wearing funky shoes talking and laughing on the street as I rush by.  I wonder what they are doing with their lives, but note that they looked happy.

I think about my job.  I don’t hate my job, I just think it is not me long term.  Wow.  That is terrifying to admit out loud.  What if I end up doing this for the rest of my life and someone says "Wasn’t that a waste?  You said it was not what you wanted to do."

I don’t know what I want my life to look like.  I know I feel like something is missing.  Like when you are dating someone and you end it because you love them but are not IN love with them.  That is how I am feeling about my job.  I think it’s pretty great, but it might not be a long term fit for me.  Something needs to change.

I don’t know where to start.  I am afraid to change my lifestyle.  I am afraid that I identify with work and what I do now SOUNDS good.  I am afraid this is just another itch I tend to get after being in a company for nearly three years.  I am afraid I might fail at whatever else I do.  I don’t know whatever else I WOULD do.  Where do I start?