My sister (I have a sister) got married this year.  She had a funny saying "Don’t let Bridezilla out of her cage!" when people would start to rattle her chain.  She is right.  I am thinking I might write a book or a movie called "Bridezilla’s Revenge" and have a big ugly bride with streaked lipstick and frazzled hair as the protagonist. 

A few examples of why brides go insane:

– you have to care about things like table linens.  who really cares about linens?  you think you don’t but if you are a bride, you have to pick a darn linen.  then people who seemingly don’t care (should not care) have an opinion "well why did you pick that one?"

– you get all sorts of crazy questions: what are you doing with your hair?  what is your theme? (theme? I am supposed to have a theme? "uhhmm, it’s a wedding theme") what is your borrowed, blue, old and new?  are you taking pre-natal pills?  are you getting your teeth whitened?  (that is like a "do you want a breath mint" question…ah, do I need to?)  what are your colors? (this last one is my favorite.  colors?  I need colors?  well the dress is ivory…oh maybe that is like a crips/bloods question – gang colors!  yes you need colors).

– all of a sudden, hair matters.  you become more concerned about hair than you ever were before in life.  I am getting my hair highlighted.  get hair highlighted too soon and it won’t look fresh; get it done too late and it will look too bright.  it has to be JUST right.  there is practically a two hour window you need to hit to get the perfect color.  are you kidding me?

– speaking of hair, you have several people who like to remind you that you need to look the BEST YOU HAVE EVER LOOKED that day.  no pressure.   

– people all of a sudden become helpless in the presence of a bride (I would like to think this is because of her stunning radiance…).  "where do we go?"  "when do I need to be there?"  "what should I wear?"  "how do I get there?"  these are all questions for the bride.  these are questions from otherwise self sufficient people.  from adults.  adults who have gotten places before, picked appropriate clothing for themselves and have managed to be on time at other functions without needing someone to tell them what to do. 

– weddings are a bottomless pit of money spending.  I had lofty thoughts of not falling into this trap.  it’s unavoidable.  even if you do it on the cheap, it’s still non-stop cha-CHING time.  placecards: $50; site fee: several thousand dollars: DJ: $900; a calm bride: PRICELESS

Let’s keep this last point in mind – a calm bride: PRICELESS.  Nobody likes an ugly person, especially not a raving mad lathering at the mouth woman in a white dress.  It ain’t pretty.  So please, if she asks you to do something, do it yourself and try not to ask for her help.  Just get it done.  She is the one who needs help.  Follow her directions.  Don’t ask for anything special or any "oh can you just do this one little thing for me" questions.  Assume the groom has a brain.  He can answer questions.  He might even want to. 

This is a public service announcement.  Keep Bridezilla In Her Cage.

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