Chapter XVII

because you never know someone from the very beginning


August 2006

Arf Arf

I find if you are having a bad day, you can cheer yourself up by barking at people.  People look at you with funny faces that are worth their weight in gold. 

It’s weird but fun.  Give it a try. 

Boobs in the Boardroom, and Other Fanciful Tales

Hello world, I am woman!

You might ask, why does this matter?  I would love to think it doesn’t matter – being a woman.  Has no effect on my day whatsoever.  But that would be lies, darn lies!  Not only is there PMS to contend with, but darn it all, there is still sexism out there. 

"Ah, hellooo", you might be saying, "what did you expect?"

Well I expect more of people.  The problem is, sexism, racism, classism, other related "isms" are not as obvious today (i.e. when is the last time you saw a "No Women Here" sign?) and because they are more subtle but still exist, I contend they are more dangerous.  Bias is all around and everyone is in denial, so nothing changes.  And it’s much harder to fight because it’s not overt.

A few examples:
– I had an argument with a man who is nice to men, crummy and condescending to women.  Happens in every case I have witnessed with this particular man.  Is it a trend or does it just happen to be that all these women he interacts with really suck more than men?

– I was in a meeting last week.  Progressive company.  8 people in the room.  I was the only woman.  Oh wait, there was that woman who brought in more coffee…right.  It’s 2006, remember that.

– Also in said meeting, a fellow meeting participant insisted on calling me Mrs. Sachs.  In fact, I think at one point I was simply referred to as "The Mrs."  (jokingly of course HA HAHA can’t you take a JOKE you sensitive WOMAN!).  I turned my rings around self conciously, hiding the evidence, suppressing any thoughts they might have had that now I am to be taken less seriously ("Oh she won’t be around here much longer anyway – baby track you know").  Too bad the term "baby track" also has negative connotations.  Children are our future, right?

– My husband has yet to asked what it’s like to settle in to married life.  Me, I have been asked no less than 6 times.  Settle in to married life?  What?  I am now a wife and my life is supposed to change?  More on that in another post.

Let me be clear, I think women can be pretty horrible to one another – it’s not men that are at fault.  I recently left a women’s networking group because the minute I asked "Hey, how can I get something out of this that helps my career?" I was treated like a hostile interloper.  You could practically hear the whispers "GOD how selfish IS she??"

I don’t want to harp on this; bitching does no good.  But I wanted to get it off my chest.  It’s irritating that this crap exists. 

All this makes me want to have a second glass of wine to grin and bare it.  But I am not a drunkard.  I have one glass and embrace the boobs.  They are the outward and visble sign (ok, not SO visible but give me a break) that I am woman and darn it that is good.  I can work, I can have kids, I can feed an infant (hope so anyway), I can bring home the bacon and cook it up in a pan.  Be proud of the boobs!  Welcome them into the board room.  It’s about time.

Another Seinfeldish Post on Just About Nothing

Some days you just cannot get your thoughts in order.

OK, let me be clear…some days I cannot seem to get my thoughts in order (bugger this IS about me).  Rather than be flustered by this, I choose to embrace chaotic thinking.  I have many thoughts today, none of them fully formed.

People are on the phone too much.  Cell phones, specifically.  This is kind of a gut comment – I am not sure why it’s bad.  But it feels bad.

The media has created a frenzy about the airports being jammed (some little terrorist plot out of London – no biggie).  I am at LAX.  The security line was easy as pie.  Now people are sitting in the Admirals Club frustrated that they are at the airport so damn early.  Lots of people have taken to tapping the bottle to get through this miserable time.  It’s funny to see people boozing at 10AM on a Thursday.

I have a friend who I have not talked to in months.  She suffered a huge loss last year and went underground, at least with me, for some time now.  I was glad to get an email from her wanting to reconnect.  You just never know what is going on in someone’s head, or what they really need to cope.

People talk too loud on cell phones.  People want to be big shots.  The louder you talk, the dumber and less big-shotty you sound ("this has been a public service announcement…")

Why are journals usually private?  Well of course because we don’t want to share our feelings with others.  Maybe because we have evil thoughts about lots of people we are supposed to like.  Who have you thought badly about today?

I wonder if as humans, we are generally happy when good things happen to others or if there is a larger uglier part of each of us that is a little bummed.

Is it harder to chew with your mouth closed than open?  Why do so many people chew with an open mouth?

The weather in CA is stunning ("Master of the Obvious" over here) and I just thought I would make mention of it.

The Movie In My Head

How do you see yourself inside your head?  Do you imagine yourself in a movie, or as the protagonist in a book that lots of people read?  Do you repeat scenes of greatness or triumph?  Be honest.  You have nobody to fool but yourself.

I ask these things because I realized the other day that I am a complete narcissist.  I actually imagine myself regularly as if there is a camera following me around – and people are watching me (SAD, pathetic, Britney (Madonna!) wanna be, attention craver!).  I hate to admit it (well not really) but it’s true.  I actually do at times imagine my life through the eyes of others.

I wish this were not the case.  How liberating it would be to relieve oneself of the imagined pressures imposed upon oneself by others…but not really by others…by IMAGINED others.

Recognizing this provides clarity.  It is informative to dig into who you actually think might be watching that movie, and what you are doing to "act" for them.  Very telling, indeed.  Just who are we trying to please?  Mom, friends, godmother, childhood rivals, coworkers?  These imagined movie viewers really are like directors of our lives (my life) in this movie in our heads (my head). 

My goodness, how interesting – I am letting others be Directors of my life.  If I had Producers, that might be tolerable – at least they give you money…Directors just order you around!

Who directs your life?  Who are you trying to please?  Who is reading your tombstone?  And if you think about it, why do you care what they think of you if you’re long gone?

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