I am so proud. Last night I was in Kmart, and I saved my marriage. The best part is, my husband has no idea how close to the brink we actually were…
It all started a few years ago at home. I really love Christmas. I have all my ornaments from when I was a kid; I freak out when my mom cooks something other than goose; I nearly boycotted my parents’ house when they got a three foot tree (Who the hell puts a Christmas tree on a TABLE in order to fit gifts underneath???? Bah humbug.); I tear up even listening to certain carols. I am a sucker for Christmas.
However, I have always wanted to take the whole Christmas decorating thing to the next level, say with a theme. Perhaps an all green Christmas, or English Christmas, Hickory Smoked Christmas or even Chocolate Covered Christmas. But then we have my personal favorite…Clampett Christmas! I mean, how fun would it be to create a White Trash, Backwater, Down Home, YEE HAW, I BREAK FOR BUSH, deep fried, and double-wide kind of Christmas! Imagine the decorations. Politically Correct Disclaimer: As a white person who grew up south of the Mason Dixon line, I take full license in exploiting this stereotype! I can sing Silent Night but I also know every word of Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer, and am darn proud.
How you might wonder, would this come together? Well, funny you should ask…
– We would need a huge white FAKE tree
– Tinsel everywhere
– There would DEFINITELY be an inflatable Santa on the lawn with reindeer
– Christmas morning we would all have to wear buckteeth and mullets, and call each other Cousin
– We would sit with Ma and Pa and listen to Britney belting out holiday tunes
– There would definitely be a family trip to Olin Mills to get a photo taken (with Clampett teeth)
– Our eggnog would be spiked with moonshine made fresh
– I would give everyone a copy of The Birth of Jesus Coloring Book and a tin of Skoal
– We would have a pumpkin seed spitting contest and sponsor a chicken fight on the lawn
– Hershey, our dog, would be dressed with up as a hound dog
– Naturally we would leave our Christmas lights up through June…need to carry on the theme you know
It would be a tinseled out, inflatable, lights flashing everywhere extravaganza!
And so there I was last night, standing in the Kmart pondering the lifesize inflatable reindeer with the flashing nose, and I knew I was but one credit card swipe away from realizing my dream. I finally have my own place to live with my husband, and can have my own Christmas. My own White Trash Christmas. I was tempted.
But alas, it was not meant to be. I pictured the husband coming home and wading through a sea of lights and empty beer cans strung happily around the tree (with the cats dressed as reindeer) and said, NO. The man might leave me. And if there is any part of me that knows what it means to have a white trash Christmas, I know it means to have my MAN at home with me. I would not want to have to grab the rifle and hunt him down after he leaves and runs back to the Upper East Side.
SO maybe next year I will be able to persuade him to embrace the notion of playing Jed Clampett for just one day.
Merry Jedtmas an’ happy Noo Year t’all, an’ t’all a fine night! Fry mah hide! Mebbe next year.