Dear God,

I realize I talk to you just about every night before bed (old habits die hard).  I am not sure, however, that my thoughts are being heard.  No worries on that point – I know you are busy and I too have a hard time remembering to listen to voice mails (for the record, you might want to get a personal assistant.  I am not sure what the Holy Ghost is up to these days, but give him the job.  We don’t ever seem to hear much about that dude).  In that spirit, I thought I would try writing.  I assume you are aware of the Internet, and I further suspect you are a forward thinking kind of guy (gal?) so you probably subscribe to things like RSS feeds.  So I am making this easier for you, here are my current thoughts in writing.

God, can I call you that?  I know I occasionally take your name in vain, so on that, many apologies.  You can feel free to yell my name when damning the heathens.  I won’t be offended.  Where to begin…

Let me start with our living situation.  This may seem trivial since there are many many homeless people in the world, but Lord, I have a kid on the way.  We are now three months behind moving into our new apartment and it’s making me fucking terribly crazy.  I am wondering if you have any sway over the Brooklyn Department of Buildings.  I mean if you don’t, then who does?!??!  It does not seem that anyone can get them to move faster than snail spit, but perhaps you can sway them.  I am sure you can get creative – threaten to turn them into salt, or maybe spontaneously combust if they don’t get to the bottom of the pile where I am sure our applications are awaiting approval.  That would be great. 

I am a little worried about the U.S. economy.  Feels like a bubble to me – the Dow has been cranking, people are making money, Google is bigger than many other established media companies combined.  I am just not sure it’s sustainable.  This country is propped up by consumer spending and that spending is on McMansions and McTVs and McCars all on credit.  I mean, we are a lot like Veruca Salt and we all know what happened to her.  Oh sorry, if you are not into pop culture, check this out.  I liken her to U.S. consumers, which would make you like Willy Wonka. 

Speaking of pop culture, can you give our girl Britney a break?  I know she has more money than God (sorry, but I think it’s true) but darn it that girl has no guidance and people have been tarting her up since she was barely walking.  And she has all these crazy ideals about how family could be but she never really had a good one and now she cannot get a coffee without being mobbed.  And on being a parent, everyone makes mistakes and she is under the worst microscope.  I am sure you know what you are doing but Lord, but what did she really do to deserve all this crap? 

If you can help the Big H and me find a parking spot tonight that would be nice.

The weather has been nuts as well.  80 degrees in NYC in October?  I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but what the hell?  Autumn is the best season in NY and we just might miss it.  And I just don’t believe it’s a political ruse – it’s not like we are going to elect Hillary next year and all of a sudden we will be back to normal.  Are ya bored up there?  I know, I know, this is our fault.  You might want to consider a public service campaign.  The bracelets could be green and rather than saying "Live Strong" they could say "Be Cool.  Stop Global Warming."  Thoughts?

I have been really focused on calamities lately.  So if we can avoid them, do you think maybe we could get through the year without any major earthquakes, tsunamis, or any more school shooting incidents? 

I am flying to CA tomorrow.  Maybe you could think about making sure my upgrade comes through?

Lastly, please bless my husband, sister, and brother-in-law.  And of course mom and dad, though I am sure dad already asked you for your blessing, as a priest himself (and I am sure that my mother did not, but don’t take that the wrong way…it’s not that she does not believe in you – she just has a hard time with the whole Jesus resurrection thing).  Please make sure none of us have any fires, get mugged, incur additional health problems or other such problems.  At least for a bit.  While I am at it, please bless my husband’s family and my friends.  Maybe my co-workers too.  Ah hell, can you maybe just issue a blanket human blessing?  I mean, why not pray for everyone to have a good day, right?

I have asked for a lot here (especially the blanket "just bless the whole world" thing).  So what have I done for you lately?  I carried a suitcase down some stairs for an older lady yesterday; I gave up my seat for a child on a subway this morning; I have been VERY good about recycling; I gave a tourist directions the other day and it did not even occur to me to lead them astray for fun; I waited in line patiently to try Pinkberry (overrated); I gave money to a charity promoting early childhood literacy; I have tried really hard to stop saying "like" and "you know"…I am aware this is not huge but do you have any IDEA how annoying that habit is?  The world would be a better place, truly, if that Valley Girl stuff came to an end already.  I fed one of our cat beasts at 5AM the other morning before he could wake up my husband.  I forgave a Times Square tourist for gawking in the middle of the sidewalk. 

So there we have it.  Please let me know if this is a better way to reach you – just send me a sign (like that upgrade on my flight tomorrow…that would be a good sign).  I hope you have a blessed day.  Does anyone ever bless you?  Is it lonely at the top?

Cheers and good sentiments,


P.S. I apologize about the Dawkins thing.  You remember this summer when I read the opening two paragraphs of The God Delusion and determined you must not exist?  I admit, after 35 years of belief that was a bit hasty.  You were mad I did not even make it into the first chapter before denying your existence but think of it this way, he is a darn good writer and I had not had my morning coffee.  I was weak.  Please forgive me.