Well…my friend was wrong.  My dad died last week, October 25th, at 12:05AM.  For the last week, I have had about a million thoughts going through my head.  This experience, losing a parent, is extraordinary and worth significant reflection.  It may be something I write about.  I am not sure yet.  I am a person who likes to write, and I have missed it this week.  But this is a post I don't really know how to start. 

So rather than start, I thought I would jot down a few notes about a few things I have on my mind. 

  • Atheism

  • Does God exist

  • What happens when we die

  • Why did he type a list of shampoos?

  • I am glad he voted

  • I am sad he did not see the outcome.

  • I never thought he would see me or my sister get married.  He married both of us.

  • I never thought he would meet my child.  Damn it, he met her and baptized her.

  • I was out of "I never…" thoughts when it came to my dad.  He did them all.  I wonder if he was out of "Maybe I will never…" thoughts as well.

  • How will my mom deal with this?

  • Maybe she will have new worlds opened to her.

  • Did he hear me when I was on the phone with him in the last moments?  When my mother held the phone to his ear while I had my last chance to speak to him.  We don't know if he heard.

  • If you believe in heaven, dad is now chatting with Rachmaninoff, Toscanini, FDR, others. 

  • I don't know if I believe in heaven.  I really want to more than ever now.

  • The colors of this autumn have never seemed to vivid to me as they have this week.  Autumn was his favorite season, and mine too.

Also, he never really explained to me why he converted from Catholicism to Episcopalian.  And he did the biggest conversion of all – becoming an Episcopal priest.  I asked.  He always said "Oh, I will tell you that when we have a lot more time."


[Imagine a big sigh and a long silence here.]

So that barely scratches the surface.  I had my first moment tonight when I thought "Oh I will call my dad." and realized I can't. 

People say I look like him.  I wish I saw that.  I do know that he and I could almost always predict the others' thoughts.  But when I ask myself, "What would he be saying now?  What would he tell me to do?" I am coming up a little empty.  He would probably say the usual "keep on living" things but there would be something else.  Something uniquely Tom Dixon.  And damn it, I don't know what that would be.  I need that, and I can't get it.  

I suppose that was one thing that made him great – that he was not so predictable and that he would have that something special to say in a time like this.  So perhaps I can hold onto that – whatever THAT would have been.