Chapter XVII

because you never know someone from the very beginning



The Case of the Missing Duck Leg

We have lost a duck leg. It’s been missing for three days and we are starting to worry.

What the hell am I talking about, you might be asking. Excellent question. Let me explain. We put the cats on a diet recently. They have become a little pudgy (at least that is what the vet thinks. I think it’s cute. I mean, a belly on a man – not so great. A belly on a cat…great!).

In any event, they are now on diets.

They are fighters, my cats. They don’t take deprivation well (they take after their mother. (That would be me.). The other night we ordered Chinese food and one dish came with a duck drumstick. We picked the meat off, and took our plates to the table. We ate in peace. We went to the kitchen to clean up. No duck bone. No duck bone to be seen, but two guilty looking, lip-smacking cats were sitting right near the scene of the crime.

We have been unable to find the evidence. You can imagine, this is pretty nasty. A missing duck bone somewhere in my house? Gross. We won’t be having guests anytime soon…“Oh look what I found in your couch, a piece of animal carcass.” Foul (pardon the poultry pun). If you think about it, since the cats tend to not like guests, this was a highly sophisticated form of retaliation against the diet we imposed on them.

This is what our life with the cats has come to. Perhaps it’s time to have kids. Or get a dog. Neither will be as smart as the cats…at least not for a few years.

Even Cats Get Colds

My poor cat, Max.  He is a big, lovey, dopey, mamma’s boy of a cat.  He is kind of weird, and very snuggly at times and a little temperamental, and not very smart.  He is my cat Max.  We have Stella too.  She has a higher IQ than most folks in the Bush Administration (though that is not saying much).  But this post is about Max.

Poor Max has a cold.  Have you ever seen a cat with a cold?  Did you even know cats could get colds?  I did not, until I picked him up, and he looked at me with a very lovey concerned face, which then turned into an expression I had never seen before, squinty eyes – pursed lips…and then he sneezed in my face.  Nasty.  Truly.  But a small price to pay (a mere face wash) to help a poor cat with a cold.  Little dude cannot take Robitussin (animal cruelty) or even a Sudafed.  He doesn’t like chicken broth and I think tea is out of the question.  He kind of wanders around sadly meowing and sneezing. 

SO lesson to be learned, be glad you are human.  Being a cat with a cold is really miserable with no remedy but an owner who nearly drops you on your head after you sneeze in her face. 

Attitude Wrapped in Fur Coats

113_1380 I have two cats.  They think they have me (us).  They own the bed, we are an intrusion. They wonder why I take pictures.  They are regal beasts.

The cats were a gift from wonderful-fiance two years ago on Valentine’s Day.  Funny – people who dislike cats say cats are not as loyal as dogs…for me, the cats were a moment of "commitment truth".  He gave me cats.  Cats live for a long time.  He likes the cats.  He must want to like me for a long time.

The transitive property of cats.  I knew there was a reason I took math in school.

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